Internal and External Damage

I can’t stop the tears streaming down my face right now. I struggle so hard against the perfectionist in myself. The part of me that thinks nothing is ever right if it’s not perfect. That part that doesn’t even want me to try something new unless I know that I can do it perfectly.. The part of me that practically gets an anxiety attack at the thought of learning something new, meeting something new, starting a new job. I am trying to learn to embrace and integrate this perfectionist part of myself rather than do battle with it because Robert Ohotto has taught me so much about archetypes and understanding that these patterns of behaviour, this programming, developed when we were children as a way to protect ourselves and “be safe” in our homes and the world. I try to remember that and honor that the perfectionist in me comes from a damaged place to begin with, so it’s unfair to attack it.. because it is only trying to defend what it sees as my vulnerabilities.

I know that I frequently address those around me with the judgmental perfectionist voice as well as myself. I know that I can be harsh and bullying more often that I like to admit, that I can be harsh with the people I love and often wind up lying on my bed staring at my ceiling cloud and wondering why I can’t stop myself.. One in particular… We never seem to do anything but fight.. I think I take so much of my frustration out on him.. I am always tearing him down, criticizing everything from the way he dresses to the way he washes dishes.. It breaks my heart to think of the damage that I’m doing to him… coming from the damage in myself.

I am a “recovering perfectionist” and I do try but I have to try harder. I have to pay more attention to the way that I speak to people..When I feel the criticism rising to the surface I need to not push it back down or pretend it doesn’t exist rather than let it lash out. I need to go into that pain, into that perfectionist place and try to understand and heal the wounds that make it rise up to protect me.

~Seth